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It may seem, if you have read through my dating stories, as if I am completely inept at discerning which people to say “no” to on dating sites.  And that is probably true, however, even I have my limits.  Here are a few snippets of the reject pile that never got past the brief communication stages.

Gem #1: Richard
We got to the “essay questions” in the “getting to know you” phase of this dating site.  I asked him “What is something you look forward to achieving in the future?”  Here is his answer, typos and all:

I look forrward to someday cureing cancer because its bad and effects a lot of people.  And I think it will help a lot of people and make things better.

His occupation?  Math Teacher.

All that stands in the way of my Nobel Prize and the accolades of millions is that fucking “x”.

Gem #2: Nate
Once again the essay portion proved a testing ground of unforeseen proportions.  I asked some basic questions and he gave me some basic responses.  Then came his turn to ask me questions.

1. Here’s the deal, I’m looking for a trophy wife.  What traits do you have that would qualify you?
2.  Which luxury vehicle do you prefer and why?
3. Are you comfortable with an open relationship?

I was completely clueless as to what about my profile marked me as trophy wife material.  I don’t think I am even qualified to state what trophy wives do.  Regardless, I was definitely up to the challenge of answering:

1. I am composed of 90% metallic alloys, and 10% organic materials.  I also have the ability to change my form as needed into various useful objects such as: vases, butter knives, and a chalice.
2. I am torn between Pegasus and whale shark.  Why?  Because no one else has them.
3. Like an open sandwich?  Those are delicious.

All this trophy wife needs is a sammich she made, a pony with wings, and she is set!

Needless to say, that was the last we spoke.

Gem #3: Dale
This guy seemed nice on his profile and we made it through the various communication stages without any red flags brandishing themselves wildly from the battlefield.  We then got to the open communication portion, and I waited patiently for him to Get To the Point And Ask Me On a Date.  Instead, he asked me more questions.  Here are the highlights:

1. So, you said you own a house…  do you mow your own lawn?
2. What do you like doing in winter?  I like snow-blowing because no one talks to me.
3. Do you live with anyone?  My brother lives with me.

If he wasn’t so blandy-pandy-mandy, I would have sworn that first question was some kind of obscure agriculturally based sexual innuendo.  Either way, our interactions had descended far too quickly into the land of mundane and I moved on like a shooting star or one of those star fish that still has all arms intact.

Here’s a picture of an octopus because that guy was so boring I couldn’t even find an inspiring photo to go along with him.

The End… For Now