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Here we go.

The key concept is that you need to transform into a new entity. And you will need to think these morphs through very carefully so that you don’t do something foolish. Ie, morphing into an ant right next to an anteater. The result is not pretty, and trying to morph into something else entirely whilst being chewed alive is going to be rather difficult.

Here are my simple steps to achieving immortality.

1. The South Pacific:
To begin with you will probably want to do this technique when you’re around 90 or so because then you will be living on an island in the South Pacific.


(I suggest the Solomon Islands or perhaps Vanatu.)

So you’re on this island and life is pretty sweet – sunshine, warm breezes, fruity drinks in coconut shells… hold the umbrellas. One day you take a swim in the ocean and you transform into a new animal.

Now, what to transform into? Well, the ocean’s the limit on what you could try out. However, for a first time transformation I suggest a fish (less pieces to worry about), and I suggest a big fish (none of this clownfish business or you will be a snack in no time flat and the purpose is to live longer not stupider). You may as well go for the biggest fish of them all: the Whale Shark.

2. Whale Shark: Rhincodon typus


Pros: It’s a whale shark. ‘Nuff said.
Cons: None.

Now whale sharks live for about 100 years. You will have a merry time purusing the Pacific and Indian ocean scooping up plankton and swishing your long tail. (Highly suggested the whale shark as opposed to a Great White because let’s face it – red meat isn’t all that great for you.) Eventually you’ll start realizing that blue is really just blue, and plankton is really just small animals. The idea of soaring high above the ocean is quite appealing and you travel over to South America in order to transform into a Parrot.

A note of caution – don’t get too eager in escaping the clutches of the ocean and transform into a bird under water. That’s just silly and will just get you eaten by an unscrupulous Great White.

3. Arrr, You’re a Parrrrot!


Pros: You can talk. You are very colorful.
Cons: You are a bird, and therefore are the lame incestuous second cousin to the real amazing wonders of the world: dinosaurs.

Life in the Amazon is very green. There are lots of fruits and bugs to snack on as well as the delightful cacophony of other birds. The only thing is that living so long as a whale shark you have a definite whale shark accent which ends up being rather embarrassing. (Parrots are notoriously snobby about accents.)

Now parrots live for about 200 years or so and despite some accent problems you settle into your new, green life with only a few ruffled feathers out of place. The decades lengthen under the canopies of the tall trees, until a day comes when suddenly it’s just not easy being surrounded by green. It’s obviously time to transform again.

There’s only one option in your tiny parrot mind – fly to the Rockies. There you can transform into the cuddliest, chubbiest, fuzziest, berriest bear there ever was. But what kind of bear?

Fortunately for you I have done a little research on this very topic. There are all kinds to choose from: Kodiak, Grizzly, Brown, Black, Polar, Care, and Gummy. I, however, have picked a winning combination that is sure to ensure your continuing safety in the realm of the Rockies. Choose to transform into a Mother bear.

4. Dare to Bare and Be a Bear


Pros: Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica.
Cons: You may need to sing “I am just a little black rain cloud, hovering under, the honey tree,” in order to secure your daily honey needs.

Now bears live for about 500-600 years which will give you ample time to learn how to eat nuts, berries, and the occasional grub. You’ll also need to master the art of back scratching, hibernating (this means laziness in English), and fish catching. It’s quite an exciting existence being a bear. You have a free fur coat for the winters, and a soft black nose for the summers.

Eventually though this sedentary life begins to get boring and tepid. There are only so many fish to eat, berries to suck, and honey bees to foil. One day as you sit thoughtfully rubbing your ears against the bark of a tall, tall tree you begin to realize that you need a change of scenery. You then promptly transform into a tree.

Once again it may seem an obvious choice to change into a tree. The word “oak” or “maple” readily comes to mind thanks to all of the wood advertisements on the television box. But au contraire! The focus isn’t becoming a lovely table, it’s to live forever. And living forever means Sequoia!

4. The Sequoia, wouldn’t want to know ya


Pros: You are a tree.
Cons: You may get chopped down.

You are now the world’s largest living creature and will have the luxury of living for around 5000 years. If you’ve ever wanted to look down upon people – well here’s a good chance.

What you will notice first is that you are also pretty much stuck in one spot for that length of time. This will give you a good perspective on one patch of sky for awhile. Tilting and swirling above you the same stars will streak across the night sky. Flitting and flying through your branches and leaves will come hundreds of generations of birds. The initial reaction of non movement will slowly crumble away until you realize how moving a tree can be. The sap courses within you like a molten river. All around caravans of ants and beetles make their epic journeys from one layers of branches to another. The cycle of death and rebirth slithers over you, crawls over you, encases you with the residue of life newly lost and life newly created. 5000 years is a long time to be an entire universe for a small section of life. It’s time enough to realize that you want to be a mountain.

But what type of mountain? There are several different kinds to choose from. However, after being a tree for so long, it may be a good idea to branch out into new, more fiery territory.

5. Volcano: Nothing says I got lovin’ in my oven like these guys


Pros: S’mores are on you tonight.
Cons: No one will be able to eat the smores with you.

It can be pretty sweet to be a mountain. You get to live for millions of years, slowly shifting upward, or forward, or downward, or something. It can be a very zen time for you as you contemplate whatever you wish.

However, after a few million years, things may get a bit lonely. After all, if you are a mountain where else can you go? May I suggest a planetary kind of body, such as… the Earth.

6. It was Earth All Along!


Pros: Have a moon. Not every planet has a moon.
Cons: Most planets have way more moons and are snobby about it.

Now, this is another tricky part. Thus far it didn’t really matter much if you created yet another shark, or yet another mountain. However the Earth is a unique object, and as such you will have to basically telefrag it. Force the moon to make her choice! You have a 50-50 shot of being chosen and not being fragged yourself.

Hopefully this works for you so that you can sit back, spin a bit, and enjoy the cosmos from a more intimate seat.

The Earth, we are happy to point out, should have another 5 billion years before the Sun gets emo and starts its Red Giant meltdown. Plenty of time to consider your next move.

One option could be to transform into the full solar system. After all who wouldn’t want to be the solar system? However, we are perhaps not looking at the big picture here…. It may be time to take the galaxy into our own hands. Oh yes, I went there.

7.  Siri Says the Nearest Milky Way is Located 1.2 miles away at the Holiday Gas Station


Pros: You have a black hole.
Cons: Because of it, you have nothing to wear.
All should be good for about 3-4 billion years until you collide with the Andromeda galaxy… in which case you will just transform again into a Milky Meda Elliptical Galaxy of awesome. Or you could further and become a super cluster of galaxies.

In the end the universe is the limit…  or is it?

The End.